Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
