FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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