I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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