I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
