I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
