Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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