ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
