i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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