I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
