I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
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