i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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