Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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