mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We were destined to go to rehab together
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
