You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
