After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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