btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
