The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
this just has baby written all over it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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