My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
