I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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