You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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