his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
