I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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