i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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