Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
