my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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