I got chris browned last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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