dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
