I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
