I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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