I can tuck mytits in my pants
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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