dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
