One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
