I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
