no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
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I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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