a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
