If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Who died my cat blue again?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
