The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Randomize
