If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
