The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize