The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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