His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?