You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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