watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.