dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.