PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
