If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
either way he was missing a nipple.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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