i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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