I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
