is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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