Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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