I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
