I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
